Monday, 9 February 2015


What does friendship mean to me? I have a few people that I have been hanging on to. I often find myself asking why. I thought about it and the answer is simple; history. Our past together is special to me. When you realize your past is not special to them, how do you let it go? How do you erase someone who has been apart of you? You don’t. You can’t. You just wish them the best and move forward. Easier said than done. The friendship served its purpose but moving on proves to be difficult especially when the friendship wasn’t really a friendship. It was more of a one sided call when you need something because you know I’ll do it. That doesn’t feel good. I couldn’t imagine using someone for my own personal gain. Not without giving back. Give and take is a foreign concept to narcissistic personalities. The only person who truly matters is themself. What is my reason for holding on to someone like this? I haven’t a clue because history only proves the lack of friendship in my book. I think the painful truth is the fact that I was rejected. What I need to come to terms with is the fact that it can’t be my fault. Theres a hole in my brain where the logic should be. I can run through the scenarios but that does no good because there are two sides to every story. The unfortunate part is not being able to get the other side. The perfect story book life is just that, a story. When you worry about what others see you build a wall that can’t be broken down unless you show the weak spot. That decision can’t be made by me. How long do you hold out for someone who won’t break? How many times do you reach out only to receive excuses as to why they can’t meet you halfway. Sometimes you build the wall even too high for yourself to scale. What do you have to lose? Control. I am familiar with wanting control. I need control. I am uncomfortable and uptight without it. But there is a comfort zone that can be reached and that’s when a friendship is born. How it’s nurtured is up to you.


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